"Leave me alone!" "Don't do that!" "Don't talk to me right now!" "And please, don't push my buttons!"
Have you ever heard yourself thinking or saying these things? I certainly have.
And usually, when I get to that point, I'm not the parent I want to be.
We all want a better world for our children.
I haven't met a parent who doesn't want a better world for their children. A healthier planet. Better opportunities. More kindness, understanding, love, and peace.
We want our children to feel loved, to know how to deeply love, and to experience the goodness life has to offer. But here's a question.
If we want our children to experience more love and peace in the world, shouldn't they experience those things in their own home?
And that brings us back to ourselves, their care-givers, parents, family. Because no matter how much we love our children, there are moments when we are angry, impatient, resentful, or overwhelmed.
I know I do!
When my heart is at war
I came across the idea of having a heart at war, a concept explored in the book The Anatomy of Peace by the Arbinger Institute. It stayed with me.
Because when my heart is at war, everything looks different. The house is a mess. My daughter isn't listening. my husband says the wrong thing. My friend doesn't get me, my colleagues aren't kind ... My neighbor says something that irritates me. Almost everything feels like another reason to become more upset.
Inside, I hear myself shouting: "Leave me alone! Don't do this! Don't make me even angrier!"
I want everyone to behave differently so that I can feel better. And if I lose my temper, another battle begins.
This time with myself. "I should have known better." "Why did I say that?" "Now I've really messed things up."
When my daughter was younger, I sometimes worried that my anger or an outburst had damaged her for life.
Not exactly the role model I had envisioned when she was born...
So, can we love when our hearts are at war?
I've come to realize that when my heart is at war, it becomes difficult to act lovingly. (Not because the love has completely disappeared.) But because my anger, resentment, and need to be right are in the way. I am less curious, less understanding, and less willing to consider another person's perspective.
And here's what concerns me most.
I can become so occupied with what's wrong with someone else that I lose sight of what I actually want.
Instead of moving toward understanding, love, or connection, I keep feeding the thoughts and feelings that intensify the conflict.
So here's my choice:
Do I want to keep feeding the war inside, or am I willing to let go of the thoughts and feelings that keep it alive? Letting go doesn't mean ignoring what needs to change. It means recognizing that I have a choice about what I continue to nurture within myself.
Because if I want peace, I cannot keep feeding the war. Simple truth.
When my heart is at peace
When my heart is at peace, the story is different.
The house can still be messy. My daughter can disagree with me. My partner can be in a bad mood. Work can be challenging.
But I don't have to turn every uncomfortable situation into a battle. I can listen without immediately defending myself. I can disagree without attacking. I can set a boundary without becoming hostile. I can let go of what isn't important and address what truly matters.
The circumstances haven't necessarily changed. But the way I see and respond to them has.
And suddenly, I have more energy for what I actually want to create. More understanding. More connection. More love in action.
What are you feeding: the war or the peace?
Of course, being an intentional parent doesn't mean never getting angry. Duh. Anger is part of being human. Sometimes it tells us that something important needs our attention. But anger doesn't have to decide how we treat ourselves or the people we love.
We may not be able to prevent every upsetting thought or feeling from appearing. But we can become aware of whether we're continuing to fuel it. We can pause. Question our assumptions. Let go of thoughts that no longer serve us.
And ask ourselves:
"What do I actually want here?"
"Do I want to be right, or do I want to understand?"
"What would love look like in action right now?"
These questions don't magically make anger disappear. But they can help us find our way back to the person we want to be. And if we've said or done something hurtful, we can acknowledge it, apologize, and repair the relationship.
Peace begins closer to home than we think.
We talk about wanting a peaceful world for our children.
But perhaps we sometimes forget the world they experience with us every day. At home. The conversations at the dinner table. The disagreements. The moments of exhaustion. The way we respond when someone disappoints us.
Our children learn about peace not only from what we tell them, but from how we practice it.
And perhaps the greatest opportunity we have as parents isn't to create a life without conflict. It's to show our children that conflict doesn't have to turn into war. Or an endless war. That anger doesn't have to destroy connection. And that love can remain present, even when we disagree.
The peace we want our children to experience in the world begins with how we lead ourselves in our own homes.
And that is intentional leadership.
At home. At work. In life.
Would you like to bring more peace, clarity, and connection into your family life?
The Intentional Parent Blueprint™ helps working parents develop the self-leadership, emotional awareness, and communication skills to navigate life's difficult moments with greater intention.
Connect with Mooniek Seebregts for an exploratory conversation.
Mooniek@greatparentsempower.com