What sailors can tell you about the hours before bedtime
There's an old saying among sailors: if you're wondering whether it's time to reef, it's time to reef! (For the non-sailors: reefing means making your sails smaller, so the boat stays manageable when the wind picks up.)
I love ocean sailing, and reefing was one of the first lessons the sea insisted on. Now, when I know it's going to blow 25 knots, I suggest a reef early. It makes the boat easier to handle, and it saves us a crazy effort when, so to speak, the sh*t hits the fan.
The trick is timing. I'm a fan of reefing while things are still calm enough to do it well. If we wait until the gust hits, the same simple task becomes a wrestling match. Lines flapping. Everyone shouting over the wind. Does this kind of chaos sound familiar?
Every family has its own weather.
It strikes me that every family has its own weather. Maybe yours starts building around 5 PM, when everyone is hungry and the day's frustrations come home in moods, backpacks and laptop bags. By 8 PM, the wind can be blowing hard.
An odd question, maybe: when do you usually notice the storm at home? Before it arrives, or when you're already in it?
Most of us notice in the middle. Voices rising. Patience gone. The same argument, again. And then, worn down, we reach for the one tool most of us were handed: hold on tighter. More rules. A firmer voice. Gripping the line with both hands.
Back to my boat. Every sailor knows what happens when you keep the sails pinned tight in a strong gust. The boat heels over hard. Steering gets heavy. Sometimes the boat swings into the wind and stops dead.
What helps, on the water and in the family, is easing the line. That may be the opposite of your instinct. You let it out a little so you can breathe slower. You haven't given up control. You've chosen a wiser, kinder approach.
Your child's weather.
A tired, overwhelmed child is having weather too. Their wind picks up faster than ours, and they have far less experience handling it. Their nervous system feels a gale where you feel 12 knots.
So what do they need from you in that moment? Someone gripping tighter? Or someone steady enough to ease the line, get down at eye level and be the calm in the eye of the storm, so their body remembers what grounded feels like?
Your own weather.
And then there's the weather you bring home yourself. You're still in work-mode. You're still answering that email in your head, still replaying the teammate who was abrupt with you. Tomorrow's worry about that presentation sits at the dinner table like an uninvited guest, chattering away.
What 'reefing early' can look like in your home.
- Taking ten minutes in the car before you walk in, to remember your 'Why.'
- Putting your phone away, face down, as you come through the door.
- Choosing a simple dinner on the nights you already know will be long, with the ingredients waiting in the fridge.
- Reading funny jokes at the table.
- Saying out loud: "I'm running low tonight. Who's willing to help me out?"
In my household, when I got home at 4:30 PM, I tried to have dinner on the table by 5. Dinner before tantrum time 😉
Does that kind of precaution make you less capable? No. On the water, reefing early is a mark of experience. The sailors who wait too long are usually the ones who haven't been caught out yet.
You probably do this prep at work already. You prepare for the difficult conversation. You read the room before you speak.
Home deserves the same foresight. Maybe more, because the crew at home is still learning to sail, and they learn how to handle wind by watching how you handle yours.
Your forecast for this week.
Look at the week ahead.
Where do you already see the wind could pick up?
And where could you reef early?
The Intentional Parent Blueprint™ helps working parents to develop the self-leadership, emotional intelligence, and communication skills to lead with greater clarity, courage, and connection.
Connect with Mooniek Seebregts for an exploratory conversation.
Mooniek@greatparentsempower.com