Are You Shaming Your Children?
Why helping children take responsibility shouldn't mean making them feel small.
Lately, I've been asking myself a rather uncomfortable question. Not if I shame my children, but how and when I might be doing it without realizing it.
And I'm also working on not shaming myself when I recognize it.
Learning a different way of doing things isn't always easy!
We often repeat what we experienced.
I grew up being shamed by my parents.
I remember how much I disliked being laughed at, teased, or made fun of when I made a mistake. Yet I've caught myself doing similar things. Laughing at someone else's expense.
Criticizing. Making someone feel wrong for getting something wrong.
Who hasn't done that occasionally?
I've come to believe that some of this behavior comes from our own insecurities, learned habits, or simply a lack of awareness. But that doesn't make it harmless.
What's the difference between shame and guilt?
There's an important distinction psychologists make. Guilt says: "I did something wrong." Shame says: "There is something wrong with me."
Guilt can help us take responsibility, make amends, and learn. Shame can leave us questioning our worth.
And as parents, we may unintentionally move from correcting a behavior to making our children feel that they are the problem.
One evening with my son
My son has physical limitations and sometimes needs our help with everyday activities. Recently, he was very tired, and my husband and I were helping him get into bed.
But things weren't going the way he wanted. He became frustrated. And to be honest, so did we.
My husband said what I was thinking: "We cannot help you if you're not clear about what kind of support you need." And I agreed.
Now, the words themselves weren't necessarily wrong. But the way we said them was loaded with frustration.
Looking back, I wonder whether our son felt that his dad and I were ganging up on him. Two tired adults, both correcting a child who was already struggling.
I remember experiencing that as a child myself. One parent criticized me, and the other joined in. Suddenly, it felt as though everyone was against me.
I felt small. Inadequate. Alone. And I certainly don't want my son to experience that.
How can we correct without shaming?
I'm discovering that the first step is becoming aware of what's happening inside me. Am I tired? Am I irritated? Am I trying to help, or am I simply expressing my frustration?
And perhaps the most important question: Am I addressing what happened, or am I making my child feel that something is wrong with him?
Here are three practices I'm working on:
1. Appreciate myself, too.
I try to recognize what I'm doing well rather than constantly focusing on my mistakes.
I want to extend the same understanding to myself that I'm learning to give my children.
2. Pause before offering criticism or an opinion.
Is what I'm about to say necessary? Will it help?
Can I express it with greater understanding?
Sometimes I need to ask a question before assuming I know what's wrong.
3. Repair when I get it wrong.
When I realize my words or tone may have hurt my child, I can return to the conversation.
I can ask how he experienced what happened.
I can apologize.
And we can explore what might work better next time.
That doesn't erase the difficult moment.
But it opens the door to understanding and connection.
The goal isn't to become a parent without imperfections.
I know I'll still get frustrated sometimes. And I won't always recognize my reactions immediately. But I can keep learning. I can take responsibility without making myself wrong as a person.
And I can offer my children that same opportunity.
Because children need to learn that their behavior may need correcting, but their worth as a human being is never up for debate.
Perhaps that's where breaking the cycle of shame begins. Not by never making mistakes. But by learning how to respond to them differently.
Would you like to develop greater peace of mind while navigating work and family life?
The Intentional Parent Blueprint™ helps working parents strengthen self-leadership, emotional awareness, and intentional decision-making.
Connect with Mooniek Seebregts for an exploratory conversation.
Mooniek@greatparentsempower.com
with thanks to Martina