I Love You. Also When We Disagree.
Why our children need to know that love isn't something they have to earn through good behavior.
A friend recently told me something about her children.
"All my children argue, but one of them does it much more than the others. I wonder whether she's fighting to be understood, to get attention, or because she feels insecure."
Her daughter often says life isn't fair. That she isn't smart enough. That she doesn't feel loved enough. And that she's shy.
Does this sound familiar?
Have you considered what life feels like from your child's perspective?
It's easy to forget that children are still trying to make sense of themselves and the world around them.
They're discovering who they are, what they can trust, what they're capable of, and how relationships work.
And sometimes the world feels terribly contradictory. One day they're encouraged to think independently. The next day they're told to stop arguing.
They're asked to take responsibility, but often have very little say in the decisions that affect them.
My friend's daughter once put it beautifully:
"It isn't easy to live my life. Sometimes I don't understand anyone. And on top of that, I don't have much power, since the grown-ups don't want to be told what to do!"
She has a point!
We ask children to learn how to lead themselves while giving them very little room to practice.
Of course, our kids need guidance, boundaries, and support.
But can we expect them to reason, communicate, and manage their emotions with the maturity of adults?
They're still learning. But frankly, so are we.
Love doesn't have to disappear when behavior becomes difficult.
Another friend told me about something he had started practicing with his children.
Whenever they argued, made mistakes, or behaved unkindly, he would remind them:
"And I love you anyway."
I understood what he meant.
He wanted his children to know that his love wasn't dependent on their behavior.
But I wonder whether we even need the word anyway.
What if we simply said:
"I love you. And we still need to talk about what happened."
Loving our children doesn't mean approving of everything they do. Love is a given. It isnt attached to any behavior, achievement, or agreement.
Love is also a verb. It's something we put into action through how we listen, guide, set boundaries, and respond, especially when things get difficult.
And here's the deeper distinction:
Our children's behavior may need correcting. Our love for them doesn't. We can disagree. We can set boundaries. We can hold them accountable.
And we can do all of that without making them question ever whether they're loved.
Sometimes the reminder is for us.
What struck me most about my friend's practice wasn't simply what he said to his children. It was what those words did for him. They helped him stay grounded.
Instead of getting caught up in everything his children were doing ‘wrong,’ he remembered the relationship he wanted to build.
He could see beyond the argument. Beyond the mistake. Beyond the difficult moment.
He remembered that his child was still learning, and that he could choose how to respond.
That's self-leadership. Not ignoring difficult behavior. Not giving up boundaries. But leading ourselves first so we can guide our children without losing connection.
And perhaps the next time your child argues, you could ask yourself:
Is my child trying to give me a hard time, or are they having a hard time expressing what's going on inside? You may still need to say no. But you might say it differently.
Because our children need to know that they can argue, make mistakes, disagree with us, and still belong.
And that begins with how we lead ourselves.
If you want to strengthen communication and connection with your children: The Intentional Parent Blueprint™ helps working parents develop self-leadership, emotional awareness, and communication skills to build stronger relationships at home.
Connect with Mooniek Seebregts for an exploratory conversation.