What Is It Like for My Child to Be Listened to by Me?
Before asking our children to listen better, perhaps we should examine how we listen to them.
Have you ever noticed your child nodding while you're talking? I sometimes ask mine, "Is that nod because you understand? Because you agree? Or because you're hoping I'll finally stop talking?"
As a parent, I want to make sure my children understand what I'm saying. So sometimes I repeat myself. And repeat myself. But when I ask them what I've just said, I discover they haven't heard a word!
Sound familiar?
We all listen through filters.
During a workshop I attended, we were asked to practice listening through different filters:
- Boredom
- Annoyance
- Already knowing
- Genuine interest
What surprised me was that listening with genuine interest felt the easiest. Yet it wasn't the filter I used most often. And once I'd started listening through annoyance or boredom, it took real effort to shift into curiosity.
That experience made me think about how I listen to my own children.
When the house gets noisy, I sometimes zone out while they're talking. Especially when I think they're talking just for the sake of talking. When I'm rushed, I might cut them off or tell them it's not the right time. And when I'm tired? Well, sometimes I'm the one nodding without hearing a word!
What is it like for my children to be listened to by me?
That question changed how I thought about listening.
Because if I want my children to become good listeners, what am I teaching them through my own example?
Do they experience my curiosity? Or my impatience? Do they feel heard, or do they sense that I'm waiting for them to finish?
Children don't just learn listening from what we tell them. They learn it from how we listen to them.
And that means becoming aware of the emotional space we create when they speak.
Listening begins before the conversation starts.
When I notice myself becoming annoyed or impatient, I try to take a few deep breaths. Not to become some perfectly calm, neutral parent. But to become more aware of what I'm bringing into the conversation.
Sometimes I remember myself as a child. That helps me approach my children's experiences with more understanding and less judgment.
I also remind myself that listening doesn't mean I have to agree with everything they say. It means being willing to hear and understand their perspective before responding with my own.
And sometimes, when I'm genuinely too busy or tired to listen, I can simply say: "I want to hear what you're telling me. Can we talk in a little while, when I can give you my full attention?"
Of course, that also means remembering to return to the conversation! 🙂
And when I don't get it right?
My children are quite capable of letting me know when I've been judgmental, impatient, or simply haven't listened.
And they're often right.
I don't always manage to listen with curiosity or openness.
But I can acknowledge it.
I can apologize.
I can return to the conversation and try again.
Because being a good listener doesn't mean getting it right every time. It means being willing to notice, learn, and repair.
And perhaps that's one of the most valuable lessons we can give our children.
Not just how to listen.
But what it feels like to be genuinely heard.
So the next time you wonder whether your child is listening to you, consider asking yourself a different question:
What is it like for my child to be listened to by me?
Sometimes, that's where better communication begins.
Listening doesn't mean agreeing. Understanding doesn't mean approving. And being present doesn't mean being available every minute.
Before asking, “Why doesn't my child listen to me?” ask, “What is it like for my child to be listened to by me?”
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