Why Can Visiting Family Make Us Feel Like Children Again?
How to stay grounded when old family patterns show up.
When visiting my father-in-law, my four-year-old daughter became angry about something and hit me on the knee to show her disapproval.
I can still remember the howl that came out of my husband's father. He was ready to lash out at my young child. And the look of disapproval he directed at me? It made me look away.
There I was, an adult, a mother myself, feeling the weight of someone else's judgment.
Does that sound familiar?
Are you excited to visit family during the holidays?
How about spending time with your in-laws? Or do you sometimes find yourself thinking, "Oh dear, here we go again!" I admit, I don't always look forward to these visits. Especially when I bring my children.
Because our families live in different places, we don't just drop by for dinner. We have to stay for several days. And that's plenty of time for old patterns to make their appearance!
Why does a family visit bring out a different side of me?
I've noticed that when I'm visiting family, insecurities I thought I'd left behind suddenly return. As if I'd never worked on them!
Someone questions my parenting. Someone has a different opinion about discipline, communication, or how children should behave.
And before I know it, I'm feeling judged, defensive, or frustrated. If the visit goes on long enough, those feelings can build.
It's like sitting next to a pile of dry wood. One little spark, and I'm ready to retreat, sulk, or doubt myself.
Sound familiar?
What boundaries do I set when I am a guest?
This is a question I've learned to ask myself. Because being in someone else's home doesn't mean I need to abandon my own values or let their comments determine my mood.
But it also doesn't mean I can control how everyone behaves.
So before visiting, I try to prepare myself. What situations usually trigger me? What matters enough to speak up about? What can I simply let go?
And what do I need to feel comfortable and grounded during our stay?
Sometimes that means taking a walk. Alone. Sometimes it means having a conversation before tensions build. Sometimes it means saying, kindly but firmly: "I understand you see it differently. This is how we're handling it in our family."
Now I can respect someone else's home without abandoning myself.
The real preparation begins before the visit.
I've discovered that when I take good care of myself, plan ahead, and become clear about what matters, I have more room to enjoy our time together.
Not because everybody suddenly agrees with me. But because I'm less likely to be pulled into disagreements, drama, or judgment.
Of course, I don't always get it right. Sometimes those old buttons still get pushed. And sometimes I react in ways I wish I hadn't. But I can take responsibility and begin again.
I want to. I choose to.
The goal isn't to become impossible to upset. The goal is to become more conscious of how I respond when I am upset. And perhaps that's one of the most valuable things I can practice during family visits.
Not changing our relatives. At all. But learning to remain the adult we want to be, even when old family patterns invite us to behave otherwise. And perhaps, if I were back in that room with my father-in-law today, I wouldn't look away. Because leading myself doesn't stop when I walk through someone else's front door.
Ready to develop your own intentional leadership at home?
The Intentional Parent Blueprint™ helps working parents strengthen self-leadership, emotional intelligence, and communication so they can build the relationships they envision with their children.
Connect with Mooniek Seebregts for an exploratory conversation.
Mooniek@greatparentsempower.com
With thanks to Martina.